Yesterday I was a mess. Yesterday I fell apart. The high levels of stress I was trying to keep together completely unraveled with one single blow. We move to Hawaii in 2.5 weeks now and we are till trying to sell our house, ship both our cars to the island, make sure the dogs are all set to go. Writing it out doesn’t seem like too much, but the complexity of it all is overwhelming.Im usually the cool, calm, and collected one when it comes to taking care of the house, but the gravity of moving in a matter of days now hit me like a train.Today we were suppose to go to Atlanta to ship one of our cars, we had an appointment. Well, we didn’t have all the documents to send it, so we scrambled to see if we could swap that appointment date for our other car, since we own that one.All day I was stressed out and emotional due to shipping car situation.
I was on the floor in the kitchen with my back against the cold wall, and the gravity of everything hit me full force and I started ugly crying, like seriously ugly crying. Laura was playing in the living room, but came up to me pointed at my face and said, “Mommy crying, mommy sad” with a very empathetic look on her face, while signing the word crying. “Yes, laura mommy is crying, mommy is sad” I told her.
My heart broke because a huge part of me doesn’t want laura to see me cry, Growing up I NEVER saw my mom cry. My mom is strong, she is fierce, she was and is the glue that holds everything together, crying was a sign of weakness. Or so I believed that growing up. The first time I saw my mom cry I was 20 years old and couldn’t believe my mom had this human emotion. I’ll admit, was a little taken back at first, for the longest time I thought my mom was superhuman for not crying in front of us. But looking back, I wish she did, not everyday, but just enough for me to know it was a very normal emotion.
Laura just continued to look at me, she then plopped right there one the floor beside me, back against the wall, grabbed my arm, squeezed it real tight and gave me two sweet little kisses on my arm. M heart melted. My 2 year old daughter was comforting me.I picked myself off the floor held her and said, “Thank you for being such a sweet little girl, mommy loves you”. In that moment, everything stopped. And I decided to rewrite our future. I did not want Laura growing up thinking that I am some superhuman mama. That it is OK to cry. Even in front of your kids ::gasp::
I want her to know that there will be moments where you simply can’t keep it together any longer and that is OK! Cry it out, give it to God, and then pick yourself back up again. Don’t wallow in your circumstances, cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you (1 Peter 5:7) and move on. Walk in the light, remember God’s promise and keep it moving. I want to teach my daughter a healthy balance of emotions. I want her to know it is ok to cry and that she doesn’t have to bottle up her emotions. I believe a good cry is healthy once in a while. I know not everyone believes that, but for me, more times than not once I cry it out and give it to God, He gives me a peace that passes understanding and I am able to walk in his peace, something I cannot do on my own strength.
So, wherever you are in your life circumstances, if you need to cry and you’re holding back, because your child might see you and you just might ruin them for life. Its ok to cry, even Jesus wept.