I’ve written and erased what I have been writing more times than I can count. I’ve been writing this post for hours now, trying to make sense of everything that happened these past few weeks leading up to this prenatal appointment. But I will start with the beginning…
This pregnancy was quite unexpected and a bit of a surprise to us, but still welcomed and excited! Better now or never since at this rate I wasn’t sure when I wanted to have another baby.
I didn’t want to get my hopes up too early because our first baby ended in miscarriage at almost 7 weeks. We then went on to have our rainbow baby, who is a now thriving and sassy 3-year-old.
But, once you have a miscarriage, that fear never leaves you when you have another pregnancy. The fear that something could happen again. This hope that you’ve been building up and all the dreams you planned for this baby can crumble in a matter of seconds.
So, now I reign those hopes and dreams way down in the pits of my heart JUST in case…
My husband and I decided to wait until my first appointment at 11 weeks before we told the majority of our family and friends. At our 11 week appointment our baby had a strong heartbeat of 180bpm and things seemed fine.
But, yesterday I was cramping a lot, it felt like period cramps… I know my body and period like cramps should not be happening this late in the game (15 weeks). I believe I lost my mucus plug yesterday along with some slight bleeding.
I refused to go to the ER because I am not going to sit in a waiting room for 6 hours like I did for my first miscarriage just so they could tell me what I already knew.
IF I was having a miscarriage, then there was nothing that they could do anyway. So I opted to wait for my appointment the next day.
Because my husband is active duty, we used Tricare Prime which means I am seen on the base hospital. But, after having a horrible experience with our previous OB at my 11 week appointment. I switched to Tricare Standard and found a highly sought after OB at a civilian hospital.
He was every bit as wonderful as all the reviews and recommendations said.
I told the nurse and the doctor about my concerns(cramping/bleeding), so the doctor got the ultrasound up on the screen. And there was our baby, I looked at the screen waiting for the baby to move.
No motions. the baby was in a curled up position.
Maybe the baby needed more time.
Still no heartbeat, maybe the doctor forgot to turn up the volume?
The room was completely silent.
I stopped looking because I knew in my heart. I knew my baby was gone, but I was just waiting for the confirmation from my doctor.
I was looking so hard at the sonogram that I completely forgot about the doctor.
I checked the doctors face. He was squinting at the screen, while poking and prodding me in different directions.
I was now that woman who I read in so many blog articles.
The woman who laid on the bed in a cold and a silent room, waiting to hear her baby’s heartbeat, scanning the doctors face trying to make out what was happening. Scanning his face for any ray of hope.
“Im sorry”, He whispered.
I’m sure he said more than that, but “Im sorry” is all I can remember.
“When did the baby stop growing?” I asked.
I hurried to ask him questions, otherwise I was going turn into a complete wreck and quick.
Keep talking and talk fast so you don’t completely fall apart, I kept saying in my head.
I glanced back at my husband who seemed to be trying to hold it all together as well. I looked at my daughter who had no idea she was going to have a brother or sister, we were planning to tell her after this appointment. I felt a wave of incredible sadness for the sibling she will never meet.
…After a blur of questions, the doctor said he was going to leave the room to give us time to “process everything”.
But, I didn’t want the doctor to leave the room, I was doing a good job of talking and keeping myself together.
If he left the room, my husband was going to get up and give me an embrace, and ohhh, that embrace would bring me so much comfort in the midst of the pain and sorrow, then we would probably weep together.
I wasn’t ready to fall apart, not yet..
I wanted to fall apart and scream and cry in the comfort of my own home. Not in a doctor’s office, knowing I would have to walk past a bunch of pregnant and happy moms-to-be in the office lobby, and then walk a long way to the parking garage, with my red and puffy-tear-stained face.
Oh, I wasn’t ready to fall apart. Not here.
But, it happened anyway as soon as the doctor gave us time to “process” what had happened. And my poor innocent daughter who knew nothing of what was going on kept repeating, “Its ok, mommy, don’t cry, don’t be sad”.
As much as I desire to labor this baby out, and hold him/or her, we have decided to go for a D&C in order to obtain a more concise pathology report on how our baby died. Was it a chromosomal abnormality was it something I could have prevented?
My desire to find out what happened to our baby trumps my want to labor my baby.
Although our current circumstances feel terrible, I know that God’s goodness still prevails, even in the midst of our storm and one day we will get to meet our angel babies, until then.
The short of it
This is our second miscarriage.
I have had 3 pregnancies now and only one come to full term.
We have two angel babies in heaven.
We have a 7-week old and NOW a 12- week old in heaven.
We have decided to have a D&C in order to obtain a more complete and thorough autopsy report. and to find out if there were any chromosomal abnormalities with our baby.