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If you want to support someone after a miscarriage READ THIS! Here is a list of 25 things NOT to say to someone who had a miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

25 things NOT to say to someone  who had a miscarriage

If you’ve had a miscarriage you’ve more than likely heard one of these phrases, if not more than one.

And if you’re here learning what ‘not to say’. 

Let me just say, ‘thank you’! 

Thank you for caring enough about your loved one to educate yourself on such a delicate topic. Whoever your loved one is will appreciate your kind, empathetic, concern over their circumstance.

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IMPORTANT: About this list!

This list was curated out of my own experiences and out of the experiences of the grieving women I speak to.

Each individual will have a different experience with grief and what phrases hurt their heart. So, you may see something on the list and it may not bother you as a grieving mother, but it may bother another grieving mama.

Some mama’s find statistical data and scientific facts about miscarriage/pregnancy loss comforting, while others may not.

And that’s ok.

The take-away of this post is: Just be mindful of your words.

That’s all a grieving mother wants. She wants you to be mindful and sensitive to her situation. If you are doing this, then you will be just fine.

Ohh, just one more little tip, my dad use to always tell me when I was growing up, “Leticia, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.“. So, tone is also something to take into consideration.

Why do people say hurtful things?

It can be hard to wrap our minds around the phrases some people toss around, I often found myself wondering why people would even utter these words?

But, I do believe MOST people are NOT trying to be hurtful, they are not trying to inflict more pain upon you then you are already feeling.

I truly believe that we as humans can get uncomfortable about other peoples grief.

What do you say to someone who is going through an irreplaceable loss? How do you fix it, how do you explain what happened, and why?

Grief isn’t a beautifully wrapped package, it’s not a celebration or party.

Grief is a heavy load. Its uncomfortable, it can dark. It’s lonely, and it can get ugly.

I believe that when people don’t know what to say they try and fill the air with something, anything! I know I’ve rambled down that path before.

The 5 types of hurtful responses:

I’ve narrowed down the typical responses I’ve heard into 5 categories.

Grief is grief my friends. It is unique to the person experiencing it.

  1. The ‘fact spewer’: This person gives you logical/ rational responses, phrases may include, “25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.”.
  2. The fixer: This person’s response is to try and fix the situation or fix the atmosphere. They want to help you by “fixing” something.
  3. The ‘minimizing’ response: I’d like to think this person says this UNINTENTIONALLY and without malice in their heart. Phrases may include, ‘You’ll be ok, You’re young, you can try again”.
  4. The comparison’: This person will compare someone else to your experience to “help” you see that your experience is not so bad or that “It could’ve been worse”. (totally unhelpful and VERY hurtful). phrases include “My sister had a stillbirth, at least you didn’t go through that”.
  5. The “look on the brightside” response: They may literally say this or “cheer up”. Phrases may include, “It’s all part of God’s plan”, “At least it happened early” etc.

These categories can also mix together when phrasing them. For example, ‘the comparison’ can also be mixed with ‘minimizing’ (My friend had a stillbirth, that’s way worse than a miscarriage (comparing and minimizing).

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The TOP 25 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO HAD A MISCARRIAGE

1. “You’re young, you can try again”.

No, they don’t want to try again, they wanted to keep being pregnant. Saying oh you’re young you can try again, minimizes their loss. DO NOT minimize their loss.

2. “Well, 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage”.

While this is a true fact, sometimes facts can still hurt.

3. “You’ll feel better in a few days”-

Most likely they won’t feel better in a few days. This isn’t the flu, this is a pregnancy loss.

4. “It’s not in God’s will”:

Yeaaa, don’t say this. I doesn’t matter if you’re religious, they’re religious or not… this does not help. The receiver of this phrase may think, “ Soo,  It wasn’t God’s will for me to experience the joy of having a baby?”. 

5. This is really common, you’ll be ok”.

Don’t assume to know how they will be feeling.

6. “My friend had “4” miscarriages and now has “2” of kids”.

Although, probably a well meaning comment. You’re trying to be helpful and looking at the bright side and the possibilities… but when someone is going through a miscarriage they are in the thick of it and most likely don’t care about what happened to your friend.

7. “At least you have children at home”.

Just because they have children at home does not mean they didn’t want the one they were caring. Having one thing does not negate the other.

8. “It wasn’t even a fully formed baby yet”.

Don’t even go there.

9. “At least you know you can get pregnant”

“Great, but I can’t keep the baby” is what I always thought to myself when heard the phrase.

10. There must’ve been something wrong with ‘it’.

there are two things wrong with this. First DON’T call the pregnancy loss, “it”!! Second, don’t assume you know what happened and why the pregnancy wasn’t viable.

11. “It’s all part of God’s plan”.

“Why would God want this to be part of my plan, what is His purpose for my life?” This question could have the griever spiraling in her thoughts.

12. “At least it happened early”.

“It should never had happened!” The griever will think.

13. You wouldn’t want a baby with ‘issues’ anyways”-

Ohhhh, don’t ever assume you know what the griever is thinking or what they would want. 

14. “Did you do something you weren’t suppose to?”

Please for the love of all that it is good DO NOT blame the woman who had the miscarriage. Yup, this question absolutely makes it feel like a blame game.

15. “Better sooner rather than later”.

Umm, no, they would rather this never happen never.

16. “Be grateful for the kids you do have”

Just because someone is grieving their loss does not mean that they are not grateful for the children they do have.

17.”You don’t need anymore (kids)”.

Opfttt, don’t go there. It’s not your decision as to whether or not your loved one should have more kids.

18. “Just enjoy the children you have”.

This goes along with the phrase, “Be grateful for the kids you do have”.

19. “Can’t you move on, it happened X months/years ago”.

No no no. just don’t. There is no timeline for grief.

20. “Look on the bright side”.

When someone is grieving, do not try and rush their grieving process by telling them to look on the ‘’bright side’. Let them mourn their loss.

21. “It’s not in God’s plan”.

Lets just leave out religious phrases that indicate that we know anything about God’s plan for our lives…

22. “It’s for the best”

Never say this.

23. “Have you considered adoption?”.

Now is not the time to bring this up.

24. “At least you didn’t know the baby”.

This is cringe worthy.

25. “Shouldn’t you just move on already”.

This is rude and insensitive, just don’t.

What to do if you said something hurtful to a loved one?

First of all, you’re human and I’m human. Sometimes, we say dumb and insensitive things to people we care about, and usually not on purpose.

If you know you have said anything hurtful to a loved one during a miscarriage or pregnancy loss. Acknowledge it to the ‘griever’, let them know you realize you may have said something insensitive or hurtful about their loss and apologize.

Own it. By acknowledging your hurtful comment and giving a sincere apology you will gain so much respect from the griever.

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